: dear sir or madam :

If I was a machinist, a truck driver, or a welder, I’d have my pick of jobs. Even in this burg, skilled labor positions are readily available. Oh, and anything to do with healthcare — RNs, sonographers, radiology techs. They can write their own tickets.

A writer? Not so much.

Nobody, and I mean nobody, is interested in a copywriter. Not even the old stand-bys, like advertising and marketing. Although technical writing, from what I understand, is in a growth mode. But you need experience, you need samples of your work, you need a technical, logical mind: fit Tab A into Slot B. I’m not technical, no, I think I’m funny. I’d keep trying to punch it up: fit Tab A into Slot B — wait, there is no Tab A, fooled you.

Humor + Technical Writing = Short Career

With such limited demand for my, ahem, skills, I’ve decided to pursue career opportunities in other fields. Therefore and ergo, I’ll be submitting my resumé to the producers at Sixty Minutes, for the position being vacated by Andy Rooney. Sitting behind a desk and mouthing off would not be entirely unfamiliar. Having an attentive audience, yes, that would be new.

I’d need some eyebrow extensions, of course, and some tired, tweed-y business apparel, otherwise I’m good. There are plenty of things to complain about. Plenty. Store brands, for example. Grocers have stopped selling the brands we like to make room for their own high-profit, low quality, even lower taste brands. That just chaps my cheeks. See? Doesn’t take much to activate my hot button.

Had I been quicker on the trigger I’d have shot off a resumé to the International Monetary Fund, but I hear the Managing Director position has been filled. Unfortunate, since I have a keen and abiding interest in monetary funds. International or national, whichever, I’m an indiscriminate and unapologetic fan of the monetary.

New positions open up every day and I’ve got a stack of resumés ready to go. Queen Elizabeth has to retire sometime, you know.

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