Autumn isn’t all bobbing for apples and pumpkin carving and hearty soup. There’s a dark, unwelcome side to fall or have you forgotten a little thing we call static electricity? Well, get ready for a shock, ladies and gentlemen, because it’s back.
The chilly, dry days of autumn / winter are a breeding ground for static electricity and carpet shocks. The proof surrounds us. Door knobs once again greet us with a teeth-clenching 4,000 volt shock and will continue to until March.
The clothes dryer, normally a docile appliance, now churns out garments that crackle with electricity and throw off sparks. With so much voltage flying around, simply doing the laundry is high risk behavior. Life fairly teems with electrons and protons and neutrons. I buy Static Guard by the six-pack and dryer sheets by the trunk-load, but they can only do so much.
Dryer sheets, by the way, very often only complicate the problem. They have a way of burrowing into your clothes, forgotten and overlooked, until you notice one poking from a pants leg or a shirt sleeve. While it’s not as embarrassing as being unzipped, it’s a very close second.
Then let’s not forget the charms of static cling. But clothes don’t really cling, they cleave. And in a suggestive, revealing manner. We turn into unwitting exhibitionists and spend the day pulling and yanking and adjusting. Everything fits like pantyhose a size too small, even shoes. It’s like being vacuum-sealed.
My personal favorite is the hair standing on end. That’s what a hair brush does for me in cold weather, so does taking off a knit hat. People who witness this gravity defiant ‘do quite naturally mistake me for a descendant of Einstein. Or someone who stuck a fork in the toaster. Neither is a complement, that much I know.
Static electricity is just the beginning, I’m afraid. Chapped lips and cold sores lie straight ahead.
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