Like a billion other people in the world, I did laundry last week. Of those billion, I was one of, maybe, three who screwed it up. Laundry isn’t difficult, you know, a sensible 8-year old can do it. But me? I get outsmarted by a washing machine.
Somehow, when I transferred a load of clothes from the washer to the dryer, I overlooked a light gray cotton turtleneck. It was squashed against the front of the wash tub. Being oblivious to this lurking garment, I went ahead and added bleach for the upcoming load of whites. And that’s when I noticed the turtleneck, just as the bleach splashed into the wash tub.
I snatched the shirt out of there, examined it thoroughly, and saw no evidence of bleach spots. Until I pulled it out of the dryer. My once light gray shirt had a spray of ivory spots dotting the left sleeve, body, and right shoulder. It’s a whole new look, sort of a Jackson Pollock thing. A look that says, ‘I need a keeper.’
On Sunday, the earpiece of my glasses broke off. Now both of them are taped and I look like every other nerd in the world. Heavy eyeglasses bound together with white adhesive tape sitting slightly awry on a bewildered face above a bleach-splattered turtleneck. It’s a pretty picture, isn’t it?
But it doesn’t end there. No. Tonight my desk chair, which I was sitting on, listed heavily to the right and collapsed. There was no warning, no screech of metal, no shudder signaling imminent danger. It just quietly dumped me on the floor and I write this sitting on a plastic storage container. At some point I expect the lid to give way and trap me inside the thing, so if this post ends abruptly, that’s why.
Folks, I’m in the midst of a protracted bad luck streak. Seven and a half years, if you must know. That’s not as bad as Job, he of the boils and Biblical suffering, but it’s plenty bad enough. With all candor, I’m beginning to fear for my safety. I’m afraid to use my car or the sharp scissors or even take a shower. Heck, the bathroom is a death trap, it’s where most accidents happen.
So, if it’s all the same to you, I’m just going to sit here quie
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