: invasion of the giant pink underpants :

I awoke to a dire situation this morning: I was down to my last clean pair of underwear. The unsightly, ill-fitting, for-emergency-use-only, I’ll die-if-anyone-sees-me-in-these, elastic sprung, Pepto-Bismol-pink pair that bunches and binds.

My heart sank at the sight of them. It’s going to be a long day.

Ordinarily, I’m pretty good about doing laundry, a little compulsive about the folding and putting away, maybe, but pretty good about keeping up with it. I think a house full of clean clothes feels faintly luxurious, indulgent even. But time and Tide® got the better of me this week, I’m behind on housework, too.

These solitary wallflowers, my voluminous, pastel-colored, grandma-type bloomers, they feel like penance, a hair cloth shirt. And they’re very nearly as comfortable. Women’s underwear comes in too many styles, in my unsolicited opinion — everything from boy cut to thong to French bikini to edible.

Me? I like the hipsters, they’re not too teeny weeny and not too oversize-wide-load proportioned. They’re just right, like baby bear’s bed in Goldilocks.

So how’d I wind up with these big girls? By not reading the package they came in, that’s how. The one that was clearly labeled ’Briefs’. Okay, let me stop right there and say that’s a lie; there’s nothing brief about these pink nightmares. I could set up camp in those things, they’re big as a tent. A three-ringer, Barnum & Bailey circus-sized.

The elastic waistband reaches to my armpits and the leg bands give chase, providing a snug, all-day wedgie. One that leaves me walking funny. Not funny ha-ha, funny peculiar. They need a belt — or a cinch or an anchor — and about three fewer yards of material. If Jockey For Her continues with such profligacy, we’re headed straight for a cotton shortage — which is the slippery slope to scratchy, coarse, uncomfortable, billowing underpants.

None of us wants that, do we? No, of course, we don’t. I walk funny enough without the perpetual wedgies.

18 thoughts on “: invasion of the giant pink underpants :

  1. Men’s underwear, too, can be unruly so I can empathise with that “oh dear, it’s you” feeling looking into the drawer and seeing that pair lonely and sinister. I bought some boxers which turned out to be just too small and every now and then they creep up on me and remind me that it’s laundry day, crafty things!


    1. Hi, jackmcc07! They are that. I think the trick to avoiding the ill-fitting underwear is to keep up with the laundry. something I seem incapable of doing. Welcome to publikworks, by the way. It’s a pleasure to hear from you.I hope you’ll be back often.


  2. Cannot wear any underwear that starts as a wedgie or leads to a wedgie. Cannot. Whoever invented thongs was seriously whacked.

    That underwear pic reminds me of the kind I wore as a kid, except mine had tiny pastel roses on them. Ugh.


    1. There was nothing tiny about these pink horrors, they could have had rose bushes on them — life sized, by the acre. And I second your motion on thongs. Why would anyone think that’s comfortable?


  3. You know, I did all the laundry in my house the other day. You should have sent your loads over here.

    This totally cracked me up, Lisa! I can relate – I have two pair of emergency panties that are also large enough for Granny – and her friends.


    1. Ooh, the buddy system for underwear? I hadn’t thought of that, it sounds, um, interesting? Weird?

      What would we do without our emergency underwear? Well, probably the laundry, right? Next time, though, I’ll take you up on your offer and send my loads over to you. Deal?


    1. Hi, nevercontrary! I did take them for a spin — in the washing machine. I’ve turned over a new leaf and vowed to never ignore the laundry that long again. Never, never, never : )


  4. I feel like such a nasty voyeur. I went to all the trouble to creep up to the side window undetected, hid quietly in the bush, peeked through the slit in the blinds and saw, pink granny panties with their own zip code!

    This is the reward for my depraved behavior… I hate myself.


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