For a long time, I wanted to be a weather forecaster, but I’ve changed my mind. I want to be a member of Congress. And, what a coincidence!, I’m looking for a second job — my minimum wage gig is only part-time.
See, this business with the sequestration and the debt ceiling and the government shutdown, has taught me something: I belong in D.C. My unique skills as a stubborn, opinionated, wrench-throwing contrarian would come in handy there. I have tons of experience standing in the way, you know? I’m good at being a hindrance. Check that, I’m great at it. I’ve stood in my own way for years, I’d like a new challenge.
Becoming a member of Congress and working in the U.S. Capitol Building would give me a bigger (and fancier) stage. My income would see a nice bump, too, from, oh, about $200 a week to $3,346 a week ($174,000 a year). Naturally, I’d have to show up once in a while, but every job has its drawbacks. I’d also be required to hang out with phony, pretentious colleagues, act like an insufferable big shot, and attend posh formal dinners.
Then skip off to cash my paychecks.
Now, I can’t do a lot of things, but I could do that. Heck, I could do that in my sleep. I could do that standing on my head. The hard part will be saying stuff like, ‘I’m working hard for the American people,” with a straight face. That’s gonna take practice.
If I can somehow manage to remain in Congress for five years, bingo: full pay and health benefits for life. Life. But your Social Security check? The fund you’ve paid into for the last forty or fifty years? Well, that, Mr. and Mrs. Senior Citizen, is an ‘entitlement.’ We need to curtail those.
Was my face straight?
Oh, and one last thing: the government shutdown isn’t really a shut down, since Congressional Representatives have continued to enjoy the timely delivery of a full government paycheck. Sweet.
Where, oh where, do I send my résumé?
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