For a long time, I wanted to be a weather forecaster, but I’ve changed my mind. I want to be a member of Congress. And, what a coincidence!, I’m looking for a second job — my minimum wage gig is only part-time.
See, this business with the sequestration and the debt ceiling and the government shutdown, has taught me something: I belong in D.C. My unique skills as a stubborn, opinionated, wrench-throwing contrarian would come in handy there. I have tons of experience standing in the way, you know? I’m good at being a hindrance. Check that, I’m great at it. I’ve stood in my own way for years, I’d like a new challenge.
Becoming a member of Congress and working in the U.S. Capitol Building would give me a bigger (and fancier) stage. My income would see a nice bump, too, from, oh, about $200 a week to $3,346 a week ($174,000 a year). Naturally, I’d have to show up once in a while, but every job has its drawbacks. I’d also be required to hang out with phony, pretentious colleagues, act like an insufferable big shot, and attend posh formal dinners.
Then skip off to cash my paychecks.
Now, I can’t do a lot of things, but I could do that. Heck, I could do that in my sleep. I could do that standing on my head. The hard part will be saying stuff like, ‘I’m working hard for the American people,” with a straight face. That’s gonna take practice.
If I can somehow manage to remain in Congress for five years, bingo: full pay and health benefits for life. Life. But your Social Security check? The fund you’ve paid into for the last forty or fifty years? Well, that, Mr. and Mrs. Senior Citizen, is an ‘entitlement.’ We need to curtail those.
Was my face straight?
Oh, and one last thing: the government shutdown isn’t really a shut down, since Congressional Representatives have continued to enjoy the timely delivery of a full government paycheck. Sweet.
Where, oh where, do I send my résumé?
Copyright © 2013 Publikworks
the whirly girl 
14 responses to “: I wanna be a congressman :”
I don’t know. Being that close to John Boehner on a regular basis…actually I can’t even finish that sentence.
LikeLike
Oh. Right. Um. Never mind.
LikeLike
Can’t decide if I’m more amused by hilarity of the post, or angry at the truth to which it alludes.
LikeLike
Go with amused, it’s a lot more fun : )
LikeLike
“I’ve stood in my own way for years” is proof positive you’d never get the gub’mint job. Sorry Lisa. Believe me, you’d get my vote, but to score as one of our elite congressfolk you’d have to learn to stand in everyone else’s way. Like they do.
LikeLike
Oh, don’t count me out, I can be an obstruction when I want to. A freaking stone wall. It’s a nice change of pace when things get hectic at the office. So save your vote for me.
LikeLike
“If I can somehow manage to remain in Congress” – Are you kidding? They’re not going to dispose of the hardest worker there.
LikeLike
And therein lies the tragedy. Me being the hardest working part of anything spells disaster.
Great to see you back, mcwatty9!
LikeLike
great to be back, congressman.
LikeLike
I almost — almost — shot Peach Tea out of my nose. You’re a hoot.
LikeLike
Haha! Damn, wish you actually did!
LikeLike
Me, too!
LikeLike
Love the satire here! I was laughing the whole way through the piece. Oh, wait. I probably shouldn’t say that, because you were probably as serious as our congress is. My bad.
LikeLike
Don’t you mean seriously useless, dawn? What test do you have to flunk to become a congressperson? Hand it over, I’ll fail it with flying colors.
I’m glad this made you laugh. That’s all we can do, right?
LikeLike