First of all, I owe Edward Snowden an apology. I dismissed him as a publicity-seeking nutjob when his initial accusations of government spying hit the media. Heh, heh, whoops. My mistake.
The latest news on those sneaky weasels at the National Security Agency (NSA) is that they’ve hacked into the overseas data centers of Google and Yahoo. Okay, who are these boobs? And are they part of the same government that can’t build a healthcare website? They are, but let’s be fair: would you rather be James Bond or Barnaby Jones? Me, too.
No one’s going to spend time on mundane stuff like insurance when there are constitutions to skirt and intrigues to plan. Espionage is a mighty temptress. Coding a crummy webpage is mind-numbing when compared to the thrill of tiptoeing, undetected, past the legendary security of Google. That, my intrepid friends, is irresistible.
In one 30-day period alone, they collected 181,280,466 different records. Holy bifocals, Batman — that’s a ton of reading! Clearly, they’re busy bees. Even Evelyn Wood (the speed-reading guru) would be daunted by such volume.
You expect furtive behavior from perverts and swindlers and employers, but not your own damn government. If they want to know what we’re thinking or doing or thinking of doing they should ask. I’ll tell them flat-out. I’ll cc them on my emails if they want. But, no, they’d rather creep around the dark, tangled recesses of the Internet with their silly cloak-and-dagger shenanigans.
Fine. Two can play that game.
Introducing Foiled Again¹, the tin foil helmet² designed to guard your thoughts from the prying eyes of gub’mint spies and mind readers. Keeping your thoughts to yourself isn’t as easy as it used to be. Not when the NSA can hack into Google, for crying out loud. Your cerebral cortex could be next.
Fortunately, Foiled Again is guaranteed to shield your brain from electromagnetic fields and other assorted intruders. Available in sizes S to XXL. Only $149.95 plus S&H. That’s a small price to pay for peace of mind. Order yours today.
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¹ The Official Tin Foil Helmet of Publikworks
² Some assembly required. Batteries not included.