Woohoo, a holiday half-baked. Relax, it’s not a ham, you won’t get a food borne illness from reading this. You might get gift ideas or happy feet, but no upset stomach. You know, a holiday edition was bound to happen; I’m not immune to the merriment of the season. Who could be? We’re bombarded with holiday music and decorations and, aargh, the food.
Everywhere you turn, platters and trays and bowls of temptation — candies and cookies and noshes of all kinds. Are we sure Christmas isn’t the work of the American Sugar Growers? Is there such a thing? That whole ‘visions of sugar plums’ thing is pretty frigging suspicious if you ask me.
Heck, with enough — wink, wink — holiday cheer, the world stops looking snowy and cold and starts looking frosted and edible. What is it about sugar, anyway? The other day I fell victim to an Angel Food cake. It started calling me while I grocery shopped. ‘Psst, Lisa. Over here. Don’t pretend like you can’t hear me, Liiiiiiiiiii-sa.’
I’m weak, I caved. And as soon as I got home I tore into that thing like a Viking. I didn’t use a knife, I used my hands. When I came to, half the cake was gone. So I wiped my mouth on my arm and burped in the manner of a Tupperware container — brrapppp.
That happens when sugar is involved. Whoever christened this a ‘sweet tooth’ must’ve been addlepated. There’s nothing sweet about it. It’s downright mean. Think I’m kidding? I’ve been thrown out of bakeries. Twice.
Fortunately, my smorgasboard of sweetness here has no sugar. And no calories. Browse to your heart’s content.
The Snowman by Jo Nesbo — the Harry Hole series is so well-written, so gripping, I use them as carrots: I only read one if and when I accomplish something of note. Three books remain unread — I’m what you call an underachiever. You aren’t, though. You oughta read this one. Creepy and scary and riveting.
Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) — for my money, this is the greatest Christmas song ever. And Darlene Love rocks. She started out in Motown, is a member of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and appeared in the Lethal Weapon movies. Take a look at her 1993 performance on Letterman. It’ll put the merry in your Christmas and the happy in your Hanukkah. Seriously, it will.
Sam the Duck — part of the Esthex collection from the amazing Dutch designers at Oots! Have you ever seen a cuter stuffed animal? He’s 17.7 inches tall and 6 inches wide and is machine washable. As an added bonus, he’s handmade. I’d like a dozen of these, Santa. Please? Pretty please? Only $29.95 at allmodern.com.
Anna Ballerina Junior Doll — another adorable Oots! creation from the Esthex collection at allmodern.com. This one’s 11″ x 5″ for $29.95, but is also available in a full-size version (17.7″ x 6″) for $34.95. I don’t want to be a glutton, Santa, two of these will be plenty. Thanks, sir, I’ll wait up.
Merry and happy, everyone.
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