Of the millions of babies born in the United States this year, nine of the little darlings were named Cheese.¹ Not Brie or Colby, which might qualify as proper nouns in a pinch, but Cheese, a plain old common noun. A category.²
Right now, they don’t mind what they’re called — heck, babies answer to anything: Snookums, Pooter Pants, Baldie, all fine. But that good-natured acceptance won’t last. Not beyond the first day of school and roll call. That awful moment will stay with them for a lifetime, the moment their classmates learn their name. Ooh, boy, are they gonna be pissed (notice I didn’t say cheesed, you’re welcome). And stay pissed until the day they change it to Bob or Nancy, something mundane and forgettable.
Where are these unfortunately named kids, anyway? California? New York? Nah, I’d put my money on Wisconsin, the state known as America’s Dairyland. Those people are obsessed with cheese. Seriously, they call themselves cheeseheads and have closets filled with cheese-related clothing, especially hats. A kid named Cheese would fit right in.
The true puzzler here, the real misnomer, is ‘mom’ and ‘dad’. Those aren’t parents, they’re sadists. They’ve sentenced a poor defenseless child to a needlessly hard and lonely life. On the other hand, the kids are likely to age well. Cheeses do, you know.
Copyright © 2013 Publikworks
¹At least according to BabyCenter.com and why would they lie? Weird names are all the rage today. Check the Internet if you don’t believe me. It’s abuzz with reports of a woman naming her baby girl Hashtag. Would that be #, for short?
²The category, in this case, is Milk Products. Hey, maybe one of the Cheeses will meet Apple, Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter. They’d be delightful together. Anyone else in the mood for Pie?