: hi ho hi ho, it’s off to jail I go :

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I’ve got a date with the devil on Friday — traffic court. And if everything goes as expected, I’ll be behind bars by lunch. My cellmate will undoubtedly be called Big Norma.

Illinois, you see, is mired in debt, drowning in it. We’re the new Detroit, except we’re an entire state. However, the scary part isn’t the zillion dollar budget deficit. The scary part is the fact that no one in state government has the imagination or the brains to find new sources of revenue. If they can’t tax it, license it, impose a fee on it, or levy a fine for it, they’re stumped. Fresh out of ideas.

That’s the state. The city, a moribund place if ever there was one, has fewer options and even fewer ideas — if that’s possible. Traffic tickets are the golden goose. Parking tickets are good, too, but there’s not much future in those. Most meters are downtown and who goes downtown? No one. There’s nothing there but abandoned buildings and a curious fishy smell. Pretty soon Parking Enforcement will zoom up on motorists stopped at red lights (they’re every thirty feet) and ticket drivers for parking violations. Count on it.

Right now, however, I’m more concerned with traffic tickets; I was issued four of them. Four. At one time. Speeding. Expired plates. No insurance. A canceled driver’s license. Two of those are totally bogus: I’ve had continuous insurance coverage all along, but no idea my license was canceled. By the stoopid stinking state, no less. I wasn’t notified of any problem and neither was my insurance company. What the hell, right?

It’s a scam, a cheap, underhanded grab for money. The fine will be a doozy, I’m sure — hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars. In either case, it’s a big, fat wad of cash I do not have. And I’m steamed. That doesn’t bode well, you know? Accusations will be made, fingers pointed, and I’ll smart off. It’s a biological imperative with me, I’m powerless to stop it. Then the bailiff will be directed to take me into custody and, adiós, away we’ll go.

So farewell, my friends. I’ll miss your smiling faces. If you get a chance, stop by on visitor’s day and bring a cake (with a file in it). I’ll be the one sporting an orange jumpsuit and nervous twitch.

Hi ho, all. Until parole.

Copyright © 2014 Publikworks

31 responses to “: hi ho hi ho, it’s off to jail I go :”

  1. Maybe you could suggest they install red light cameras. Or hold a bake sale to raise money…they may let you off the hook!

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    1. Not a chance. They’ll wring every last dime out of me. I’m studying the Shawshank Redemption for pointers on the inevitable incarceration.

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      1. If you need an escape plan, I’ve seen the Alcatraz movies.

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  2. omg! How awful! My fingers are crossed for you!

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    1. Thanks, tbree. I knew I could count on you : )

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  3. Ridiculous, surely not.

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    1. No, not yet, anyway. But stay tuned. The case was continued until mid-April :’ (

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  4. Makes you wish you were living a game of Monopoly.
    And hoarding a “get out of jail free” card.

    Hope the judge is in a good mood, the traffic cop calls in sick, and the court can’t find the paperwork. *crosses fingers and toes*

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    1. Really, BD. I mean, is that asking too much? sheesh Thanks for the good luck, I guarantee I’ll need it. Yikes.

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  5. No rent, groceries, power bills, etc. for the whole time you are incarcerated. They will be footing all the bills. Which is how this all started, right? They could save money just by letting you go free.

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    1. With my luck I’ll have to pay room and board — like it’s the Hilton or something. And I’ll bet the food just stinks. Man, I’m not looking forward to this. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

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  6. FurthermoreAndSoForth Avatar
    FurthermoreAndSoForth

    Maybe the jailhouse uniforms will be those stripy two-piece numbers like in old movies and Three Stooges skits. Personally, I’d take those over the jumpsuits any day. So few people can really pull off orange, you know? Truly though, Lisa, good luck. We want to keep you on this side of the prison cell bars.

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    1. Those jumpsuits are completely unflattering. I think I’d rather wear a potato sack. At least the color’s neutral. Add some strappy sandals and ooh la la. Yes?

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      1. FurthermoreAndSoForth Avatar
        FurthermoreAndSoForth

        Oh nice accessorizing. You are the fashion maven, incarcerated or no.

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        1. Thank you, Jo. It’s true, I’m very, very fashion forward. A trendsetter.

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  7. Be careful – they may try to nab you for jay-walking in the lobby.

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    1. Ha, they would. Wouldn’t they?

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  8. We’ll send you chocolate bars… to soothe the pain.

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    1. Would you? Thanks. Put a file in that, too.

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      1. Not sure if they let a zip file through. But will do best to smuggle a stripper engineer in the cake.

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  9. This is the story of my miserable imaginary social life – all the hot chicks are behind bars!

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    1. And in mine all the hot guys have shaved heads I’ll get some phone numbers for you, Dave.

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      1. I snorted out loud on this! But on a serious note, they do have to feed you three times a day. Saves you the trouble of planning meals. Always a sunny side.

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        1. It does my heart good to hear you snorted. Thanks for letting me know. I’ll take note of the menu items and report back.

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      2. I only need numbers for the imaginary social life, since my wife is pretty much in charge of my actual social life.

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        1. That’s probably for the best — the numbers will be imaginary, too : )

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