: that is not a closet :

It’s a symptom. A tip-off. You’ve heard people say a clean desk is the sign of a sick mind, right? Well, look at my clothes closet.

photo

I’m in deep weeds, ladies and gentlemen. Deep, deep weeds.

I wish I could tell you the strict regimentation was the result of a zealous spring-cleaning, but it’s not. No rearranging or straightening was involved, no tidying. All I did was snap the picture.

Look at the hangers. You’d think I use a tape measure to hang up my clothes. I don’t, but it looks like I might. Everything is carefully sorted and obsessively folded and neatly stacked — divided into sets and subsets. Shirts and pants are color-coded. Shoes are lined up and pointing south. In a final Freudian twist, a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign hangs from the doorknob. It’s a cry for help.

You’d think with such a neurotic fastidiousness I’d look like a million dollars when I leave the house. Clean and pressed. Not a hair out of place, yes? Well, close. This morning I showered and shampooed and blow dried, I put on khakis and a blue and white striped shirt, brown loafers and no socks — nothing fancy, but presentable. Halfway to lunch something started brushing along my foot. I suspected a bug. I looked.

A sheet of Bounce hung out of my pants. A scented reminder from the dryer.

What, I ask, is wrong with this picture? My life, such as it is, has a dopey, slaphappy quality to it that I like. I keep books in kitchen cabinets and a bicycle in the living room, there’s a sponge mop in the shower, a stuffed sheep under an end table, dryer sheets in my pants legs, and okay, sure, bats in my belfry. I’m fine with all that. Perfectly content.

But mix a turtleneck in with the t-shirts and I come undone.

Ai-yi-yi. Help.

Copyright © 2014 Publikworks

 

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28 Responses to “: that is not a closet :”

  1. cecilia

    Darling i am deeply shocked, i will pay for the therapy. no.. BETTER, i will pay your airfare out here to do MY wardrobe.. that will cure you forever, after that you will look at your own wardrobe and know that it is Better!.. c

    Like

    • publikworks

      Airfare? I could probably walk and be there by dinnertime. Ooh, hey, what are you having for dinner, celi? Should I plan an extended stay, like for the summer? Can I, huh? Huh? CAN I?

      Like

      • cecilia

        Of course you can darling, you can stay in my closet, though I call it The Coupe!! we are having lamb chops poached in apple cider, every green you can imagine cut from the garden and rosemary potatoes.. i will put out an extra plate for you, we will be on the verandah! white or red darling? c

        Like

        • publikworks

          That all sounds wonderful. And very sophisticated. I usually ask if they want a box of wine or the screw-off top. You’re an elegant hostess, celi.

          Like

  2. Valentine Logar

    That is a closet? Of a real true live person? Really? Wow…I have at least three in my house that could use a bit of help. Up for a long trip to Dallas.

    Like

    • publikworks

      I’m embarrassed to say it is. And I’d love a trip to Dallas. I can pack a bag in minutes; I’m not nearly as neurotic about suitcases : )

      Like

  3. FurthermoreAndSoForth

    At least it wasn’t a sheet of toilet paper.

    Like

  4. Cate Pane: The Clear Parent

    My husband has a closet like yours. He says it’s the only place in which he can have control! :-) His office, on the other hand, is like an archaeological dig…

    Like

    • publikworks

      Wow. That’s almost exactly what I told a friend of mine today; my closet is the only place I get to call the shots. My desk, I’m relieved to say, is buried under 4 inches of books and papers and magazines. phew.

      Like

  5. silkpurseproductions

    How sad is it that I envy your closet? Yes, I have closet envy. My husband tends to take up all the room in the closets and drawers and shelves. As a result I have some clothes in the bedroom closet, some in the spare room closet and some in the front hall closet. It is the same with drawers. It takes me three rooms to get dressed in.

    Like

    • publikworks

      Please notice, silk purse, there isn’t a dress or skirt in sight. I’m down to the absolute basics here — pants, shorts, long underwear, sweats, assorted tops — and nothing in abundance (except possibly t-shirts). I’ve become a devout minimalist in my old age and, you know, it’s kind of liberating. Although I’d have to send regrets to any formal or dressy occasion — yet another benefit. But there’s nothing to envy. Here’s my rule of thumb: if it doesn’t have an elastic waist, it’s suitable for public appearances, like the grocery store or a restaurant.

      Like

    • publikworks

      Hi there, Arthur. I really appreciate it in the mornings; stuff is so easy to find. But when someone looks in my closet, they gasp. It’s not a confidence builder. Oy.

      Like

  6. Lenore Diane

    I always laughed when my teachers said our desks were a reflection of how neat we were at home. I kept my desk at school organized and neat. My room at home? Please. It’d take me hours to find clean clothes to wear. And now that I am an adult? Yep. Still keep the “office” looking good, but the rest? Shhhh…. don’t tell. And please, give me an hour notice before coming to the house. K. Thanks. Bye.

    Like

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