: read this :

No, not this, the face. Read the face. Pissed off is written all over it.

grumpHow do they do that? How can one face say so damn much with two eyes, a nose, and a mouth? Seriously, where does it keep its pencil?

It’s been my experience that faces are bigger talkers than mouths. Trust me, I know; I’m afflicted with both. What my face doesn’t say, my mouth does, the trigger-happy son of a gun. But my face is the real troublemaker here. It’s an obnoxious blabbermouth; yap-yap, yap-yap-yap all day long. I can’t shut the thing up.

What can I do, wear a bag over my head? Gee, that wouldn’t look suspicious, would it? Nah, try it. Walk into a bank with a bag over your head. Or wearing a hood. Yeah, talk your way out of that one, Houdini. Me, I’d talk my way straight into a 30-year prison sentence. I’ll pass.

So you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to stick to e-mails and texting. There’ll be none of this face-to-face crap. No phone calls, either; no voice mails, no selfies, nothing. Email and text — that’s it. Oh, maybe the occasional card, but that’s where I draw the line. Understand?

I don’t trust my face and my mouth is a genuine loose cannon, so I’m putting a sock in it — so to speak. I’ll still post, of course, courtesy of the ‘delete’ key. That’s my absolute favorite button, delete. It gives you the satisfaction of saying what you want to say exactly the way you want to say it, without the unfortunate consequences. I love that.

You lucky stiffs with impassive, unreadable expressions don’t know how easy you have it. Your mugs can actually keep a secret. They don’t go around spilling their guts, well, your guts, really. Some of them are as tight-lipped and inscrutable as a sphinx. I want a face like that, a poker face. I’d love to keep my thoughts to myself just once in my life.

And a pink unicorn, too, as long as we’re at it.

Copyright © 2014 Publikworks

12 responses to “: read this :”

  1. That face does say it all.
    I’m afraid I have one of those faces as well. People know if I’m not telling the truth. They can tell if I’m, “up to something”. My voice…not so much. I sound like all my sisters so I can just blame them.


    1. My voice, my face, everything. I think that’s why I always look guilty. I get busted for it regardless. Unlike those with angelic expressions and halos — who are usually the true instigators.


  2. HappenstanceAndFoofaraw Avatar

    I know just what you mean. I’ve been called an open book more than once in my life. And as much as I love books, I’d prefer this one to remain closed.


    1. Hi ya, Jo!

      I’m more of a rebus, I think. You don’t even need to be able to read to interpret my face. It’s exasperating.

      Hope things are going well.


      1. HappenstanceAndFoofaraw Avatar

        Hi ya, Lisa!

        You’ll love this — I had to look up “rebus.” So woohoo, I learned a new word today. See how enlightening you are? Things are going well here and hope it’s the same for you. It’s summer, after all!


        1. It is and they are. Everything is a pleasure at 80 degrees. That’s bliss in my book.


  3. Gosh…It was a good read…But i actually like reading faces…kind of a hobby…It’s good that not everyone gets to be a Stiff…my hobby would have been wasted.. The pissed of expression on the face is Striking.. :D


    1. Thanks, soumya! Reading faces is irresistible, I think. I’d just like mine to be less obvious, you know, present more of a challenge. It keeps a secret about as well as Edward Snowden, the dirty double-crosser tattletale.

      PS. Doesn’t the angry dude look like a young Elmer Fudd?


  4. I have one of those faces. When I worked in communications for the government, it was a much needed skill.

    I’m currently in rehab. Drawing unicorns is part of the therapy.


    1. That explains the sunglasses. And the weird feeling we’ve met before — maybe in a rehab joint. I’m headed there, again.


  5. Wanna play poker? A seat just opened at my table…


    1. And you call yourself dimwhit!?! Ha, I’m not falling for that one, kiddo. You’re one shrewd dame. How about charades?


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