: humans are pack animals :

Don’t believe me? Get on the freeway.

Contrary to popular opinion, American highways are not great big parking lots. The one you’re on, yes, it’s gridlocked, but there’s open road ahead and behind. Smooth sailing. You just can’t see it for the brake lights and semis standing in your way. Traffic jams, you see, are a natural consequence of our need for companionship. Apparently, we don’t want to be alone.

Yeah? Too bad. Spread out, people, and give me some elbow room. I can’t breathe with everyone crammed together like sardines. This is how claustrophobia starts, you know. And I have enough problems already; I don’t need more. What do you have against solitude, anyway? It’s really quite lovely.

In solitude, you’re free to be the you only you know. There’s no pressure to fit in or appearance to keep up, no expectations to meet (or fall short of) — it’s just you. Do you even know you? Have you ever spent time with you? Well, now might be a good time to get acquainted. Heck, maybe you’ll like your own company? Stranger things have happened.

Of course, I’m probably odd man out. Again.

On the rare occasion we aren’t elbow-to-elbow, we’ve got stuff plugged in our ears or chirping in our hand or parked in front of our face. What’s with the neurotic quest for distraction? I don’t get it. Can’t we just sit down and shut up? Enjoy the view? Smile at a stranger? Think a thought, maybe?

I mean, people don’t even go to the bathroom alone any longer. Have you noticed? They use the buddy system, toting a smartphone or a whatever along for company. I’d pay cash money to find a bathroom where someone isn’t using a smartphone or a whatever.

Don’t misunderstand, I’m not antisocial. I like people just fine, but I don’t wanna be trapped in an elevator with one. Think about it. When they got bored — a matter of seconds, surely — they’d pull out the smartphone and start chirping and whistling and vibrating. Et moi? I’d wind up in a sanitarium wearing a helmet.

See? I love quiet. I love privacy. I love solitude. Join me, won’t you? In the figurative sense.

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