: dear hackers and identity thieves :

May I offer a word of advice? You do not want my identity, so save yourself the trouble of stealing it. I couldn’t give it away.

I’m an undesirable by any measure, a deadbeat in all respects. My credit’s shot to hell; I have a spotty driving record, a medical history checkered with dust-ups, and a hard-earned academic reputation as a chronic under-achiever. You don’t want to be associated with me and you really don’t want to be mistaken for me. That would be so unwise.

Pop up on the grid as me and you, my friend, will be hounded to the ends of the earth. Word will get around and people will come out of the woodwork seeking money or revenge or payback of some type. Remember the mob of torch-bearing villagers in Frankenstein? Like that. Everyone from former babysitters to creditors wants a piece of me. Bosses, neighbors, school administrators, bartenders, it’s an extensive list.

Is that what you want? Of course not. You want a good, solid citizen. A solvent, respectable, upstanding adult. I am not that person.

So, seriously, if you come across my name, just move along. I’m bad news, pal. You deserve better, you deserve top-rated prospects and greener pastures. There are plenty of fish in the sea with exemplary, unblemished records and sterling characters. Find one of them. You won’t regret it.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation and happy hacking.