: doorknobs aren’t dumb :

Just the opposite; doorknobs are a brilliant invention. They rank right up there with the wheel and fire, in my opinion (which is admittedly self-serving and baseless).

Humans are the nitwits; we can’t leave well enough alone. It’s the New Coke syndrome. We futz with everything, whether it needs it or not, turning simple, ingenious creations into bewildering junk.

The modern doorknob is a case in point. It’s rarely a knob these days and not necessarily attached to a door. Quite often, it’s a button or a lever, a panel or buzzer, or an ornate, curlicued, over-embellished eyesore. It’s been revamped — over and over and over again.

Osbourn Dorsey invented the doorknob in 1878. Somewhat surprisingly, the idea took a while to catch on. Civilized society was reluctant to surrender their latches, but eventually succumbed to the ease and sensibility of the knob.

Now they’re unnatural shapes and curious colors, have weird finishes and glazes, come from outlandish materials like chinchilla or titanium or moon rock. Modern man, with their grandiose egos and vanity, has completely effed up the most user-friendly device ever conceived.

I pine for a plain, old-fashioned, round doorknob. They were so useful, those things, and not just for opening doors. You could hang stuff from them; clothing and Do Not Disturb signs, purses, wet towels. You could tie things to them; dogs, kids, teeth, bells. They were incredibly versatile little devices.

And essential to a happy life. I want them back. No more stoopid handles and levers, no more balky push bars and touchy electronics, let’s go back to the basic round doorknob. The brass kind. The ones that shock you. Those.

This isn’t notalgia. I’m not knocking the march of progress or bemoaning change. I’m championing a return to common sense. Let’s leave well enough alone and turn our focus to the real problems at hand, like global warming and excessive banking fees and, oy, Donald Trump. What do you say?

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