I’ve never claimed to be the smartest, shrewdest person on earth, but I’m not a doorknob, either. I can think. I can understand. I’m equipped with cognitive function. So I know when I’m being insulted and I was insulted by my socks.
The sock manufacturer, anyway. Socks can’t talk — unless you put them on your hands and turn them into sock puppets, then yackety-yackety-yak. They don’t shut up, but they’re usually affable and good-natured. I can’t say the same for Fruit of the Loom, though. They took a cheap shot at every single sock buyer in the world with their care instructions: Do not iron. Really?
Do they really think customers are so flipping stoopid they must be warned not to iron socks?
Well, they’re right. We’re stoopid … for buying their crummy merchandise. Against my better judgment I went ahead and bought a three-pack of white crew socks for $6, brought them home, laundered them according to the sharply worded instructions, and what happened? They strangled my legs. I mean it, the socks were so damn tight I got muffin tops wearing them. Right there on my bony shins, actual muffin tops.
Caveat emptor, indeed. Be a wise emptor and caveat those dudes at Fruit of the Loom. They’ll throttle your ankles.
copyright © 2017 the whirly girl
the whirly girl 
16 responses to “: a lesson I learned from my socks :”
Is this new plan for socks to slowly take over the world by strangling feet? We must be told!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Socks are always looking for a way out, planning dryer escapes and all, so you just might have something there. Socks hate their jobs.
LikeLike
I suppose it’s comes with being stepped on all day!
LikeLike
Hahaha, probably so!
>
LikeLike
very humorous article, I’ve also had socks that give me leg muffin top, it’s definitely not fun, thanks for the laughs!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Why, thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed it. I’m still waiting for the marks left by the ribbing to disappear. It could be awhile …
LikeLike
So … did you ever figure out what happens when socks are ironed? Do they mutate into frizzy sock-monsters? Does the iron trigger a thermo-nuclear reaction that will wipe out your building and the two or three adjacent ones?
Please let me know if you found out – I’m dying of suspense over here.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Okay, I did some investigating on my own, so this might fall in the fake news category, but it’s all I have.
The package says the socks are 100% polyester — ew — so my guess is, they’d melt if they were ironed. Or burst into flame? Something flammable, anyway. Or, no, release toxins into the air. Do any of those seem reasonable?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Bursting into flame would be the most entertaining option. I think. Maybe you could iron the socks and turn them into fire kindling?
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re a genius! One five alarm conflagration coming right up.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Puppet socks can’t hold a candle to puppets made out of airline barf bags…
Saw a production of MacBeth with those critters…
Performed by a senior flight attendant…
Highly hi-larious…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Macbeth from a flight attendant? Were you on a trip to Hell?
LikeLike
No…
She’s a very funny woman…
It was a one-woman show, from a very talented, frustrated actress turned flight attendant…
Still…
Barf bag puppets…?
Brilliant!
LikeLiked by 1 person
It is!
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s only a matter of time before muffin tops on the shins becomes an Instagram hashtag, used to shame people with body fat greater than 3%.
LikeLiked by 1 person
3%? Those socks would be snug on a straw. Fortunately, circulation did return and my feet are fine.
LikeLiked by 1 person