Hi. We’re closed today. Tomorrow, too, since the big event falls on a Sunday this year.
We don’t have much to celebrate in these parts, but we’ve got
Lincoln and it’s his birthday. So step aside, buster, it’s party time. We’re good at partying. It’s the billions in debt, high
unemployment, fleeing businesses, and towering tax rates that have us stymied. Budgets, too, we just can’t seem to get a handle on those. People have actually suggested
Illinois is the worst-governed state in the land.
How dare they!
Don’t they realize this is the Land of Lincoln? Lincoln, the most revered President in all of history. He lived here. Not there where you are. Here. Illinois. We aren’t accustomed to sending politicians off to be President of these United States. We’re more familiar with sending them to prison. Four of the last nine governors, in fact, have done, or are doing, time in the big house for various shenanigans. Isn’t that a hoot? Our governors make our license plates.
Honest Abe is surely spinning like an auger in his tomb ¹ —
conveniently located, by the way, in Oak Ridge Cemetery in Springfield. You should visit. In the meantime, please join me in celebration of Lincoln’s Birthday. Send a $5 bill. Thank you. ²
¹ Ghoulish fact: Abraham Lincoln was buried 17 times, mostly due to reconstructions and renovations of the Lincoln Tomb, but also as a safety measure. In 1876, grave robbers had set out to steal his remains and hold the body ransom until the government coughed up $200,000 in gold and released a prisoner. The plan failed. Nevertheless, in 1901, Lincoln’s incredibly well-preserved corpse was placed inside a steel cage, lowered into a 10-foot-deep vault, and entombed beneath tons of concrete for the final time — under instructions from his son.
² For your patience, especially. This is another reblog from 2015; it’s a sunny, well-above-freezing afternoon and I’m playing truant.