There is such a thing, you know. They’re a woodboring insect with larvae that burrows into structural timber, causing all kinds of damage. The adults are the real badasses, though. They make a noise like a ticking watch and were considered harbingers of death. The hoot of an owl was a death knell, too, according to folklore.
But who needs omens and signs when hypochondria does such a fine job? Not me. I can turn a hangnail into leprosy quick as a wink. Death is always imminent and always gruesome. Never quick and neat.
Back at the tail end of 2016, I did the living will thing — legally refusing medical intervention. And that triggered a death spiral that led to music selection for the funeral (Here I Go Again by Whitesnake), a quick obituary (‘okay, this is funny: I died …’), and, in a dreadful coincidence, a doctor visit. To meet my new primary care physician.
In the course of getting acquainted, this new doctor casually mentioned blood tests and I went on full alert. Test results from last summer’s bike accident, she said, seemed curious. She rattled on, but I was distracted by the swarm of deathwatch beetles — tick, Tick, TICK. In the end, blood was drawn and she offered to call with the results. “Oh, no,” I squeaked, “no need to call,” and fled.
It wasn’t the tests that rattled me, it was their necessity. See, I don’t want to enter the healthcare system. Ever. Doctors and hospitals, in my view, should be treated like dark alleys and vigorously 
avoided. Medicine isn’t comforting, it’s terrifying. Bone saws and power drills; rib spreaders and retractors, clamps. Paging Doctor de Sade; Doctor Marquis de Sade to Emergency.
Hell, why bother with anesthesia, grab a mallet. Forget the respirator, use bellows. Some folks — Dick Cheney, for instance — are perfectly willing to go that route. They prefer drastic measures, no matter how grisly, to put off Judgment Day. I draw the line at stitches.
Long story short, after two long, anxious weeks the test results arrived by mail: I’m fine. Even my thyroid levels — that volcanic little juggernaut — are good. So the deathwatch beetles are quiet and the ringer on my phone is back on, chirping away. A chirping phone, I’ve been assured, is not a portent of doom.
copyright © 2017 the whirly girl
the whirly girl 
15 responses to “: the deathwatch beetle :”
Great use of exaggeration for comic effect … I hope!
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That’s pretty close to an accurate re-telling, with minor embellishments, maybe. I’ve been diagnosed with ‘white coat syndrome’ — the medical term for freaked out.
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In that case, great job turning the base metal of life into comic gold … and best wishes, by the way!
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Why, thank you. For the wishes and the very lovely compliment. I see nothing but smooth sailing ahead, until I get back on my bike. Then I’ll need prayers and donations and a lobotomy :o/
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Remember to keep pedalling … and don’t forget to brake! ;)
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It’s amazing how our minds can expand something that isn’t into something so overpowering. I know if I have been to the doctor for anything and he calls in the following days my heart stops and I break out into a cold sweat. “They only call when something is bad!” The last time that happened his nurse said, “Michelle, I know how worried you were so I just wanted to let you know everything is OK.” She darn near gave me a heart attack!
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I know! That’s why I turned off the ringer and waited days to open the envelope from the doctor’s office. When I die I want it to be a surprise. I like surprises.
Doctors are spoiler alerts.
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It’s true – a chirping fun is not a portent of doom…
It is, however, almost always a giant pain in the arse…
Much like all those shots one got as a kid.
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Oh, the shots. When I was a kid I hid in my grandparents attic and stuck a pin in my arm, then announced I’d had my shots. See, my grandfather was a doctor and I wanted to get it over with. They looked at me funny from that day on.
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Damn it!!!
I meant to say a chirping phone.
I’m not really sure what a “chirping fun” is, unless it involves something a bit less than exemplary with the current members of whats left of the dinosaur club…
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I knew that. But you lost me on the dinosaur club?
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Well, birds are the (it’s thought) remnants of the species that used to be dinosaurs…
and…
Well…
You know, the whole chirping thing…
Um…
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You crack me up :o)
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That’s funny…and it would go well as part of a monologue.
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Me as a public speaker, that would be hilarious. You’ve made my day — like you do every single time I post. Thanks!
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