Never has there been a person who’s accomplished more, succeeded more, done more than I have. I’m actually more active than it’s possible for a human to be. Because I’m not human. I’m superhuman. I’m super-duper human and I do things at a record-setting pace. Big, huge, incredibly great things. Believe me.
I use tons of major adjectives, the really good ones with lots of syllables, like classy and fantastic. And I have gobs of terrific pens, with ink. I use them to write my name. People actually assemble to watch me sign things. Then clap their hands because they’re so impressed by my penmanship. They should be impressed, they should drop to their knees. I’m that magnificent.
I play golf, too, it’s a great game I definitely don’t cheat at. I ride around in my own personal golf cart — it has the Presidential Seal taped to the front — and I crash weddings. I even invent tremendous new words, like covfefe, that’s mine. Only a few people know what it means, but it’s a tremendous meaning, the best meaning ever, trust me. Totally amazing. I’ll tell you someday. Maybe. In a couple weeks. Soon.
Right now I’m making plans to change the name of the Internet to the interwhirly. I’ve already taken steps to accomplish this and they’ve been met with such praise, so much praise. The world demands the interwhirly.
And that’s because I’m a winner. Everyone says so …
You may now praise my magnificent, perfectly perfect self. Please keep your comments short and grossly overblown, use my name a lot, otherwise I’ll stop reading. Your cooperation is expected.