: we’re all of us seahorses :

Or, to put it another way, we’re sitting ducks.

Classified as a carnivorous fish, seahorses are found in shallow, temperate waters around the world and have an average life span of one to five years. Well, if they’re lucky, because those poor dudes can’t even giddyup.

Thanks to an awkward body shape, seahorses are clumsy and defenseless, complete stumblebums. Just imagine how tough it would be to swim upright without any arms or legs for ballast. All they have to propel themselves is a tiny dorsal fin. Those wispy, delicate pectoral fins on either side of their head are just for steering. Simply put, they’re hapless swimmers and can easily die of exhaustion in stormy waters.

With little else to do and being such ungainly travelers, seahorses spend their days clinging to plants and grasses, corals, waiting for unsuspecting prey to wander by. Missing the everyday conveniences of teeth and a stomach, they have to graze continuously. Shoot, the only thing that keeps them from being washed away by a strong current is their reticulated tail. They use it to hang on for dear life; it’s their only anchor. Life, for them, is a constant battle to survive.

Ditto for humans. Except we’re battling the petty, unpredictable nature of an orange-haired lunatic with a twitter account. And where, oh where, is our reticulated tail? Caught in the damn wringer.

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