: a scientific breakthrough :

Gravity, I propose, is cumulative.

I made this astonishing discovery last Saturday afternoon when I went swimming. Although, for the sake of accuracy, I should change swimming to floundering, because I’ve acquired the natural buoyancy of space junk.

That’s upsetting, since water is my greatest refuge. Pools, oceans, rivers, bathtubs, they’re all life-enhancing habitats, in my opinion. Where else are you a weightless, effervescing mass of atoms? Well, I’ll tell you: nowhere. Dry land positively sucks thanks to gravity — a constant force pulling us, relentlessly, toward the center of the planet. We’re all victims of this crazy phenomenon.

Me, possibly, more than most. Crash landings are pretty standard for me.

You see, I’ve tried to defy gravity my whole life and it’s been to my peril each time. Except in water. Water activated my secret booster rockets; it gave me thrust and the fizzy  properties of carbonation. Notice my clever use of the past tense there? That’s intentional. I’m helplessly earthbound these days. The sneaky, invisible accretion of gravity has grounded me.

I expected to be rusty and awkward after being so long away from pools, of course, but I also expected to have some lift. I don’t. I’m dead weight. Diving in gave me no upward trajectory whatsoever. I didn’t soar, I didn’t even rise; I toppled. That ungainly maneuver created an outsized splash similar in scale to storm surge. Other swimmers found themselves yanked and tossed in the roiling waves created by my ‘dive’.

That wasn’t the worst of it, either. My arms didn’t slice through the water, my legs didn’t kick like pistons, I’m not a sleek torpedo. What I am is ballast, resembling nothing so much as a trussed up body in cement shoes with pockets crammed full of rocks. Reality is so discouraging, you know? Swimming was the one thing I could do and do well.

On the plus side, my little misadventure didn’t require stitches or x-rays or the application of a tourniquet. So, yay.

copyright © 2018 the whirly girl

18 thoughts on “: a scientific breakthrough :

  1. Any day you can get away without stitches or x-rays or the application of a tourniquet is a win in my books. Water really is very freeing. I’m not a good swimmer or a strong swimmer but I love the feeling of being in water. I’m sure you will get your “water” wings back.

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    1. I hope you’re right, because I, too, love the freedom of being in water. There’s nothing else like it, unless you’re an astronaut, maybe. But they have to wear those bulky suits and drink Tang. bleeeah 🤢

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  2. Hi Whirly!…sorry to hear about your mishap. Your body is amazing tho…. all you’ve had is a temporary lapse in muscle memory, nothing to worry about..it’s still there. Get back in and don’t be frightened…trust your body – it will remember. Promise.

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  3. Wow! That’s an amazing discovery. I hereby nominate you for the Nobel prize in physics. I won’t be trying to replicate your result, though. I find water and I don’t mix. The pool is always too noisy, too crowded, too cold and too … wet.

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    1. Well, finally! You’re the first person to recognize the critical importance of my radical new theory. Thank you. I’m packing my bag for the award ceremony as we speak 👙 I should be a shoo in. 🙃


  4. Oh no! I envied you for your swimming talents (I read about them in another one of your blogs), because I’m a terrible swimmer. I can’t figure out the breathing rhythm of freestyle, so I stick to treading water, dog paddle and sidestroke. Because my arms are weak I sink after about 20 seconds. It’s only because of my crazy strong scissor kick that I don’t drown. Anyway, I’m so sorry. Maybe you just need a little practice…? I mean, are you giving up without a fight?

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    1. My ego was pretty badly bruised, but that was the extent of my injuries. No stitches, no broken bones, no internal injuries. So, score! I’ll just keep at it, rebuild the swimming muscles I’ve lost, and steer clear of the ER forevermore. I hope 💁🏻‍♀️


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