A good laugh is what we need about now, right? I know I do, I’m anxious and fretful and tense. The election is Tuesday, you know, and the consequences couldn’t be bigger. They’re yuge. Bigly yuge, possibly catastrophic. All we can do is cast our ballots, hope for the best, and treat ourselves to a pitcher of margaritas afterwards.
But let’s not think about the election, let’s be lighthearted and carefree as long as we can. I started months ago by distracting myself with juvenile behavior and childish stunts. Just yesterday I was cleaning the apartment and decided to toss out some aging mylar balloons. There were three — a blue, a silver, a purple — and they hung low, hovering around doorknob level. I was tired of bumping into them, frankly.
Then I had a brainy idea: I punctured a balloon with a box cutter, inhaled the helium, and sang Tainted Love to the dog. Her ears went flat and she bolted under the bed. I laughed like a Minion. The helium wore off, of course, and my voice returned to normal, so she crept back out, but kept her distance. I punctured a second one and sang You Are My Sunshine. Zip, back under the bed, more laughing like a Minion.
This would’ve gone all week if I’d had enough balloons, but I don’t. So I went to the library, instead, and picked up Springfield Confidential: Jokes, Secrets, and Outright Lies from a Lifetime Writing for The Simpsons by Mike Reiss. I leafed through it quickly (‘Nerve Gas Is Not a Toy’) and, yep, it will be my salvation. The book is hilarious and entertaining and a welcome refuge. If you need me, that’s where I’ll be hiding.
Before I go, I did a google search and found some stoopid, mindless jokes (my favorite kind) so you can laugh, too.
See? I’m always looking for ways to be helpful. You’re welcome. Now, go be brave and stand up for America.
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