Autumn, with it’s cold, damp, dreary darkness, is preparing for the kill. That’s its entire purpose, you know: to murder summer. To replace our blissful radiance and warmth with grim decay. No wonder I loathe Fall.
The mere thought of what lies ahead gives me chills. Months of bitter cold and little daylight. Naked trees. Howling wind. Snowdrifts. Icy streets. Numb faces and hands and feet. Sunrise at mid-morning; full dark at 3:30 in the afternoon. Static electricity. Chapped lips. Hat hair. Polar vortices. Bomb cyclones. Confinement. A cornucopia of misery awaits and I dread every torturous second. Already.
Can you tell my annual Fall panic has set in? It has and I’m busy scouring the Internet for cold weather gear, but there aren’t enough coats or hand warmers in the world to make winter bearable. Not for me. I want sunshine and lots of it — all day, every day. However, I live in the midwest, a region known as Winter Central (to the skiers and skaters) and Hell Frozen Over (to me). From November through March, if not September through July, this place is downright inhospitable.
But what can you do, right? Ooh, wait, I know. Maybe Sideshow Don will use his magic Sharpie to redraw the weather map and divert winter to Alabama. Yay, delusions win!
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