The urge to start fresh is more common to spring or the New Year, I know, but the leaf metaphor applies in autumn, too, I suppose. Besides, I don’t set the schedule for these things. The itch for big, radical change kicks in and I scratch.
Last week’s post is what put my feet on this path. You see, I didn’t just hate it, I was embarrassed to hit the ‘publish’ button. But I did. And that triggered a stark awakening: my standards had hit rock bottom. There was no thunk or clank or doink, they’d fallen as quietly as a teardrop and I’ve been bummed out ever since. I’d much rather be sitting on top of the world, but at least l know my way around misery.
I’ve been here many, many times. This is the place where I become hamstrung with doubt and indecision, then wind up frustrated and anxious and over-caffeinated. It’s no big deal, really, just an ordinary case of angst, but it’s time-consuming and dreary. Digging my way out is a slog.
Failure, though, is a biggish part of creativity and pretty much unavoidable. The artist Henri Matisse said, “creativity takes courage.’ Yeah, well, failure is probably why, it sucks the hope and confidence right out of you. Conversely, it also acts as a very powerful motivator. No one in their right mind wants to dawdle in hopelessness. So we slink away, we lick our wounds, gather our strength, and return another day.
That’s where I am at the moment, slinking and gathering, but I don’t plan on staying long. I don’t like it here. Give me a couple of weeks, a month at the most, and I’ll be back. In one form or another — either with more failures or a renewed enthusiasm and fresh perspective. Let’s hope for the latter.
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