I’m a citizen. Not particularly upstanding or solid, but a citizen nevertheless, and I’m pretty sure that entitles me to certain benefits, such as life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. At least according to the U.S. Constitution, a document that used to carry serious weight in legal circles and the halls of government. But that was long, long ago, in the glory days — pre-Trump.
Well, enough with the reminiscing. What I’m wondering, here on Thanksgiving Eve, is: can I, as a citizen, invoke the 25th Amendment and declare the President of the United States unfit for office? Does it work like a citizen’s arrest? Gomer Pyle executed this exact strategy on Deputy Fyfe, in an episode of the Andy Griffith Show, setting a precedent for all law-abiding Americans. So am I allowed to use it on Sideshow Don? His infractions are far more egregious than an illegal U-turn.
What pushed me to this admittedly desperate ploy was the Florida rally last night, where Trump’s grasp on reality continues to alarm. The word Thanksgiving, he decried, was being hijacked, just like the term Christmas. That came as news to everyone. Then, he revealed he’d beaten not only the ‘Bush dynasty’ and the ‘Clinton dynasty,’ but also ‘Barack Hussein Obama and whatever the Hell dynasty that is.’ He, um, didn’t run against Obama. Ever. Nor did he beat anyone; he was installed by the Russians.
The antics resumed again this morning when he tweeted out a vigorously Photoshopped image of himself as, I’m guessing here, Rocky? All shiny and sweaty and delusional in boxing gloves and trunks with that big gold belt thing. The stark reality of Trump, however, is a wizened, old dude who rarely has the strength for the long commute from residence to Oval Office. He prefers to hide under the covers and call talk shows on FOX News.
Please, let me invoke the 25th Amendment. I have superpowers, too, and my real identity, which I’ve kept secret for obvious reasons, is Zena Warrior Princess. I, alone, can fix the world because I am, in fact, a living, breathing miracle woman. I’ll get the job done, with one hand tied behind my back.
Oh, and Happy Forking Day (formerly Thanksgiving).
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