• Is there such a thing as a good weight?

    Because of a ridiculously high metabolism, I was underweight most of my life. A good twenty or thirty pounds under, if you believe the people who decide these things. I was as shapely and voluptuous as an ironing board. Which would’ve been okay, if I’d been a twelve year-old boy instead of a forty year-old…

  • The Karma of Bug Killing.

    We’re all pretty quick with the fly swatter and folded newspaper. We’ve got spray cans of insecticide, tubes of insect repellent, bug lights, mosquito netting, an entire industry dedicated to killing bugs. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done my share of squashing and swatting. I’m as anti-bug as the next guy, but. I draw the…

  • Meet My Neighbor, Son of Frankenstein.

    He’s home right now. He’s always home. You know how I know? I can hear him up there, moving around like the Son of Frankenstein fleeing torch-bearing villagers. Or Babar in a hurry. ka-BOOM ka-BOOM ka-BOOM ka-BOOM. Judging by his thundering tread, I guessed him to be the size of a piano. Not an upright,…

  • Writers Who Aren’t: The Larry David Syndrome.

    There’s a popular misconception leading people to believe that studying The Mighty Big Book of Bathroom Humor and Genitalia Jokes will make them a writer. A very, very wealthy writer. A conclusion which is, in fact, false. You will not become a writer, you will become Larry David, a creepy organism indigenous to bathrooms and…

  • This will hurt me more than it hurts him: A trip to the vet.

    After a few days recuperating I think I’m ready to talk. The trauma isn’t as fresh, the wincing and twitching have eased, two good signs I’m told. Yeah, we’ll see. Earlier this week, I took the dog for his annual rabies shot. Not an average dog, this one makes a trip to the vet roughly…