For years I paid two phone bills, one for a land line and one for wireless. I don't even like phones. I'm perfectly happy listening to the voices already in my head. I usually forget to take my cell phone with me, anyway, and isn't that the purpose of having one? Oh, well, if I … Continue reading Why Can’t I Get a Dial Tone?
Planning ahead isn’t for scatterbrained, procrastinator types. Plans are the bailiwick of logical, prudent folks who know what they’re doing and schedule accordingly. In my bailiwick, the future’s going to happen whether I have a plan or not, no need to get my undies in a bunch. If I knew a piece of space junk … Continue reading Hindsight blows.
Because of a ridiculously high metabolism, I was underweight most of my life. A good twenty or thirty pounds under, if you believe the people who decide these things. I was as shapely and voluptuous as an ironing board. Which would've been okay, if I’d been a twelve year-old boy instead of a forty year-old … Continue reading Is there such a thing as a good weight?
We’re all pretty quick with the fly swatter and folded newspaper. We've got spray cans of insecticide, tubes of insect repellent, bug lights, mosquito netting, an entire industry dedicated to killing bugs. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done my share of squashing and swatting. I’m as anti-bug as the next guy, but. I draw the … Continue reading The Karma of Bug Killing.
He’s home right now. He’s always home. You know how I know? I can hear him up there, moving around like the Son of Frankenstein fleeing torch-bearing villagers. Or Babar in a hurry. ka-BOOM ka-BOOM ka-BOOM ka-BOOM. Judging by his thundering tread, I guessed him to be the size of a piano. Not an upright, … Continue reading Meet My Neighbor, Son of Frankenstein.
There’s a popular misconception leading people to believe that studying The Mighty Big Book of Bathroom Humor and Genitalia Jokes will make them a writer. A very, very wealthy writer. A conclusion which is, in fact, false. You will not become a writer, you will become Larry David, a creepy organism indigenous to bathrooms and … Continue reading Writers Who Aren’t: The Larry David Syndrome.