Throughout our lifetimes, we’re offered many opportunities to fail. And you know me, I don’t skimp. I grabbed every single one — from giant flamers to dainty piffles — and gave it a fair shot. They mostly shot back, a phenomenon known as backfiring. Well, no more.
Starting right here, right now, right out of the gate, I’m setting myself up for success on New Year’s Day. Join me, won’t you? Downsize your damn resolutions. I know it’s hard; making the grand gesture demonstrates such good intentions. It shows true spirit, those lofty, pie-in-the-sky goals do. Plus, we get a little buzz of pride, which is fun.
But then enthusiasm turns to boredom. Boredom turns to lethargy. Lethargy morphs into resentment. And your resentment leads to abandonment; you avoid even the thought of your ill-advised pledge and never mention it again. Eventually, it fizzles to death. And those are the six stages of resolution.
Well, no failures for me this year. The bar is set comfortably low. I have guaranteed my success by crafting an effortless agenda, pictured below. Please, feel free to use my resolutions as your handy guide. They’re verified and notarized, all nice and legal. Notice how attainable the tasks are? That’s intentional, I don’t want to burden myself.
Good luck, boys and girls. I wish you victory in your every endeavor, this year and in all the years to follow. Remember, low expectations are the key to happiness and fulfillment.
copyright © 2017 (yay, me!) the whirly girl
the whirly girl 
12 responses to “: resolutions for the underachiever :”
Keep expectations low but also, In the words of Irish genius stand up comic Dylan Moran:
“Stay away from your potential. You’ll mess it up, it’s potential, leave it. Anyway, it’s like your bank balance – you always have a lot less than you think.”
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That’s wonderful! Being a slug and an underachiever I haven’t heard of Dylan Moran. I’ll have to look him up. You know, maybe.
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No pressure…
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phew. I was starting to stress.
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I will have a hard time with #1 but it will be fun to see how long I last. With #2 I just stopped writing checks. Period. No need to worry about a wrong date. Yeah, #3 might be difficult as well. Sorry, but this bar is still to high for me. Happy New Year.
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You crack me up! And right back at you with the Happy New Year :o)
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Thanks for the copyright reminder – totally would have forgot!
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My pleasure. I’m proud I remembered — and even more surprised.
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Oh, how I needed this! Too funny. :)
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Why, thank you! You got my year off to a lovely start :o)
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I dunno, man. Checking the pockets for tissues seems like a lot of work.
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It was not an easy decision, but turns out pockets are easier to clean dry. Before the shredding. Oy.
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