: it needed killing :

When I say ‘it’ I mean the device they call a smartphone. Please, who do they think they’re kidding? Smart? Such a benighted little marauder should be dubbed a sadist-o-phone. For nearly a year now, it’s been the bane of my existence, the fly in my ointment, the bug up my nose.

The very fact I’m not afflicted with apoplexy or involuntary twitches is a miracle, really. But, in the spirit of full disclosure, I have twice tried to strangle the stoopid thing with my bare hands. That’s how unhinged and irrational that phone can make me.

What I’ve suffered, instead, are dropped calls and butt dials; poor reception, untimely disconnects, settings changes; mysterious application launches, weird alarms, blinking and bleating and a persistent ringing; violent vibrations, too; and on and on. Need I continue?

Most of the shrieking alerts and alarms were so startling the sadist-o-phone wound up crashing to the floor or sidewalk or whatever in a paroxysm of fear. Injuries were sustained. The screen has pressure cracks; the battery’s damaged; the touchscreen’s gone wonky — no, wait, the touchscreen’s gone wonkier. And, I confess, my heart was made glad with each new dent or scrape or crack.

As I said, it needs killing and there’s no time like the present. I canceled my wireless data plan and downgraded to a plain old $9 cell phone that, quite unexpectedly, gets a stronger signal — voice only. No email, no texts, no internet, no GPS, no wi-fi, and, best of all, no bloated bill. Now who’s smart?

No, still not me. Seems I was a bit premature: my new DSL connection hasn’t been activated quite yet. Maybe next week, they say. Maybe? Week? Are you crazy, I need it now, I can’t wait until next week. I need Tweets and YouTube and Google, Pinterest and stuff, comprende, señor? And I need them bad.

I have meteor showers to monitor and neuroscientists to follow, iTunes to shop and libraries to browse. C’mon, man, I’ve got email to check and inboxes to fill. I can’t do any of that without a connection. I’m unplugged, I’ve got no connections and I’m out of the loop.

Ooh, I’ve got chocolate chip cookies, though, and cold milk. Forget the internet, let’s eat cookies  — and I don’t mean the ones stored in your computer.

The smartphone looks pretty stoopid now, doesn’t it? nert, nert, nert.

Copyright © Publikworks 2012

18 thoughts on “: it needed killing :

  1. You are hilarious!! Welcome to the world of stupid-phones. I’ve been a member for years, and I have no intention of ever changing.

    This: “Now who’s smart? No, still not me.”
    Ha-larious, Lisa! I heart your humor.

    I’ve been out of the blogosphere for too long. It’s good to see your humor again. Now if you’ll excuse me. I’m off to check out a Nook color at Barnes and Noble. I want. Don’t need. Want. My husband said ‘no’, but I’m not sure I’ll listen.


    1. Thanks, LD! Your comments are always such day brighteners, I love reading them over and over and over again. I admit it, I do. And I really love the fact that you get me : )

      So. I’m curious, did you get the Nook color? What do you think? I’m not sure I want an e-reader, I love the book experience. The turning of the pages, the feel of the paper stock, the smell of new type. I don’t want to give any of that up, I don’t think. Or is the Nook color superior enough to make me try?


      1. I looked and touched, but I did not walk out with one. That was the promise I made my husband. If I get one, I’ll order it online.
        I did like it. My plan is to use it to read in bed. Like you, I love the feel of the pages and the smell of the book – but I am such a slow reader. I’ve had to check out books over and over again. My hope is that the e-Reader will enable me to read a little faster – but if I still read slow, renewing the book online will be easy and not involve getting in the car.
        Plus, with the Nook color, I can access WordPress and stay caught up on the blogs.

        We’ll see. In a perfect world – I’m ordering it tonight. Please pray for my marriage. (smile)


        1. If you resisted the urge, that’s a good thing. Be proud. LD, even if you caved in last night. And, remember, slow readers are better than fast ones, they retain so much more information. Take your time, enjoy the language, and dawdle along the way : )


    1. whoa, Robert!, you’re a genius; this is a day from my life. Well, except for the library card thing — I think I was born with mine. Oh, and I wound up with a new samsung instead of an old nokia.

      I loved this, it was awesome! Thanks.


  2. You can get voice only mobile phones?

    My smartphone was great at first because I was able to use it for things like Facebook – I was so scared of going over my data allowance, I basically stopped using Facebook and I felt free. Freeeeeeeeeeee. Then I realised just how much internet you can look at without going over your data allowance… it’s a slippery slope…


    1. You can! I was amazed, too, but they still make them : ) For me, it’s perfect — I think.

      It is a slippery slope, sarah, be careful. It was great to hear from you, thanks for dropping in.


  3. My smartphone is so smart, that is has convinced me that I can no longer live my life with a phone that is just a phone. I am obsessed with the thing.

    Yay for milk and cookies though :)


    1. Hi, suzymarie! I’d probably be the same way if I’d had a decent smartphone, but mine was junk. Using it (or trying to) was a torment I just didn’t need, you know? Maybe someday, after I’m stoopid with milk and cookies, I’ll try again.


  4. A phone that’s ONLY a phone! That’s exactly what we have. Welcome to our world Lisa, it’s a wonderful place to live.


    1. I think I’ll like it here, Jo. The $9 phone gets better reception, is smaller, simpler, and very efficient to operate. I consider it an upgrade : ) Thanks for being the Welcome Wagon, that was sweet of you.


    1. Done and done : 0

      I wanted to spike it into the pavement, but put it in a drawer, instead. None too gently, either. Ha. Thank you for your support, Roly, I appreciate it.


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