When I say ‘it’ I mean the device they call a smartphone. Please, who do they think they’re kidding? Smart? Such a benighted little marauder should be dubbed a sadist-o-phone. For nearly a year now, it’s been the bane of my existence, the fly in my ointment, the bug up my nose.
The very fact I’m not afflicted with apoplexy or involuntary twitches is a miracle, really. But, in the spirit of full disclosure, I have twice tried to strangle the stoopid thing with my bare hands. That’s how unhinged and irrational that phone can make me.
What I’ve suffered, instead, are dropped calls and butt dials; poor reception, untimely disconnects, settings changes; mysterious application launches, weird alarms, blinking and bleating and a persistent ringing; violent vibrations, too; and on and on. Need I continue?
Most of the shrieking alerts and alarms were so startling the sadist-o-phone wound up crashing to the floor or sidewalk or whatever in a paroxysm of fear. Injuries were sustained. The screen has pressure cracks; the battery’s damaged; the touchscreen’s gone wonky — no, wait, the touchscreen’s gone wonkier. And, I confess, my heart was made glad with each new dent or scrape or crack.
As I said, it needs killing and there’s no time like the present. I canceled my wireless data plan and downgraded to a plain old $9 cell phone that, quite unexpectedly, gets a stronger signal — voice only. No email, no texts, no internet, no GPS, no wi-fi, and, best of all, no bloated bill. Now who’s smart?
No, still not me. Seems I was a bit premature: my new DSL connection hasn’t been activated quite yet. Maybe next week, they say. Maybe? Week? Are you crazy, I need it now, I can’t wait until next week. I need Tweets and YouTube and Google, Pinterest and stuff, comprende, señor? And I need them bad.
I have meteor showers to monitor and neuroscientists to follow, iTunes to shop and libraries to browse. C’mon, man, I’ve got email to check and inboxes to fill. I can’t do any of that without a connection. I’m unplugged, I’ve got no connections and I’m out of the loop.
Ooh, I’ve got chocolate chip cookies, though, and cold milk. Forget the internet, let’s eat cookies — and I don’t mean the ones stored in your computer.
The smartphone looks pretty stoopid now, doesn’t it? nert, nert, nert.
Copyright © Publikworks 2012